In a stunning breakthrough that’s sure to result in dozens of Nobel Prizes being awarded to somebody, scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have discovered the elusive “Obama particle” by slamming the U.S. economy into a brick wall at 99.999% of the speed of a derivatives flash crash.

The collision produced an elaborate pattern of joblessness and wealth destruction which was captured and mapped by CERN scientists to create a statistical detection model that pinpointed the elusive Obama particle’s role in destroying everything it touches.
Obama Administration and SG1